Brainwaves

check out my mum

2007-07-16T14:53:00.001-04:00

http://soaringturtles-glennapw.blogspot.com/

HELP NEEDED

2006-10-21T08:52:00.000-04:00

Please read the below story and do what you can to help????

Hi everyone...

below is an email from my sister's boyfriend's brother..... His wife was kidnapped and he needs everyone's help he can get...Please read the email from Joe, and try to forward it on to as many people as you know might be willing to help...This is a very sad story and it hits close to home for me...thanks

Its really in the name of love

demanda

From: Joe Papp [mailto:joe.papp@adelphia.net] Sent: Friday, October 20, 2006 10:08 AMTo: Papp, David (US - Boston)Subject: American Citizen's Wife KidnappedI hope you're well. Something terrible has happened. My wife YulierRodriguez Jimenez (a world-class cyclist in her own right) has beentrying to join me in the USA for three months. She's Cuban, and was tohave arrived in the USA two weeks ago tomorrow from Venezuela. However,she was kidnapped in Venezuela by state security agents on the 7th ofOctober and is to be (or already was) deported back to Cuba, where shemay face imprisonment and torture. Right now, the only thing that cansave her is getting publicity for her case, and pressuring governmentofficials to intervene.The story was covered on the front page of a Pittsburgh daily newspaperon Wednesday. I link to it on my site here:http://joepapp.com/index.php?page=detailsnews&element=205What I'm asking is that you share this link and the story with everyoneyou know, but especially media and PR people. This is an impact issue,it's something that has good media bite because it's a human intereststory with a geopolitical component. I'm not a political guy, however,and I could care less about winning votes for someone. What matters tome is that my wife not only isn't with me in the USA, but she stands tobe "disappeared" by agents of a communist dictatorship and I'll doanything to save her. Yuliet (she goes by "Yuliet," though "Yulier" is her legal first name)is a great cyclist. She was 5th at the Junior Worlds, and top-10 in boththe women's tours of Spain and Italy.But this situation is something that transcends sport, that transcendspeoples' opinions of me or their politics. This is about a sweet,beautiful woman who is about to suffer god-knows-what pain and misery atthe hands of some very, very evil people. If this case can get more publicity, and if people are motivated to calltheir government representatives and ask them to pressure the Venezuelanand Cuban governments to divulge information on the condition andwhereabouts of my wife, well, that's all I'm asking. To contact Rick Santorum's office in Pittsburgh:* Pittsburgh Office:Counties: Allegheny, Armstrong, Beaver, Butler, Fayette, Greene,Indiana, Westmoreland, Washington100 West Station Square DriveLandmarks Building, Suite 250Pittsburgh, PA 15219Tel: 412-562-0533Fax: 412-562-4313Or email: Christine_Irwin@Santorum.senate.govIf Rick Santorum doesn't represent you, you can find contact informationfor your Senators here:http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm.

If I thought I didn't have anything to live for when I was done cyclingin Italy, well, now I really realize what a dope I was. I had everythingto live for w/ my beautiful wife. But now that's been taken away fromme, and well ... I'm sure you can imagine what that is like.If you would read the story, send one email to Santorum asking them torequest information from the Cuban and Venezuelan governments, inaddition to planning faster processing of my wife's visa request (#HAV2005594021) if she is located, well I would really appreciate it, aswould Yuliet. And then if you can forward this email to just one person,and ask them to do the same, we may save her yet.

Sincerely yours,----------

Joe PappJoe.papp@adelphia.net(412) 478-3661

So much has changed

2006-10-18T16:26:00.000-04:00

So much has changed since I last signed on to my trustee blog, but It feels good to be back here...like visiting an old friend.

I joined the Roller Derby back in March ... CT Rollergirls...it's quite an exciting thing...check out our website at www.ctrollerderby.com

We've got our first official Exhibition Bout coming up on the 10th of December, so if your in CT you should come and watch...It'll be worth every second.

I started the derby with a friend... we kept saying to each other, well, we'll just try it out for a month and see if we like it, and wouldn't you know, here we are 7 months later, she's the captain of one of the teams, and I'm Vice Chairwoman. It consumed every bit of us, and although it can be overwhelming at times...It certainly has turned around some of my feelings of being lost, like I've actually found a place that I fit.

This has been an incredible catalyst to my growth ... and a very interesting part of my healing process...

I'll be back more frequently I'm sure...

Hope to see you all soon
"Demanda Beatin"
as they call me in Derby

2005-11-23T14:33:00.000-05:00

She winked at me from the clouds as I drove up over the crest of the hill,
she showed her face for a moment in the day...

I love when they are both out at the same time... King of day and Goddess of night
She only shows her self to those who look for her when daylight is ... daylight

But I caught her...and I thanked her for all the love she bestows as I sleep...
and I thanked her for all the times she caught me in the midst of my falling...
and I told her thanks for all she didn't have to do but chose to do anyway...

She winked from the clouds as I drove up over the hill's crest,
and I was pleasantly surprised to see her face...for a moment in the day...

She spread her joy like the legs of a lover ...
and just as quickly she will show her wrath like the hand of a killer

to be continued

November 22

2005-11-22T18:15:00.000-05:00

It has been such a long time, I almost forget how to post on this blog...

I have been so busy with work, and life that I find very little time for the simple pleasures like blogging, eating, and many other things that I used to find time for ...

I must figure out a way to manage time better....

There is plenty of time for other people to accomplish most things in one day...

I guess it is just a matter of figuring it all out...

Well, life here is good aside from no time ...

and I wanted to just check in and let every one know I still exist...

I will try to write more soon...and something with more depth...

miss you all bloggers of blogland...

see you soon...

My Absence

2005-09-26T09:47:00.000-04:00

I apologize for my absence here at blogger...but I have excellent reason behind it...

I landed a wonderful job as a Massage Therapist and Reiki Master...I am finally working and not only working but working on the path that I have been called to...my passion...my life...

Things have been beautiful because of this job, and I can't be happier...but I have very little time for the things I used to do...so bear with me as I go through this change, I have not forgotten you I will return soon...

Much love to all of you...

Word of the Day: Balance

2005-08-25T12:42:00.000-04:00

What is Balance?

equity, symmetry, correspondence, poise, control, stability, compare, consider, weigh, level, contrast, proportion, equalize, harmony, remainder, give and take

Yin/Yang ... Chakra Balancing ... Energy Flow ... Standing on Two Feet/One Foot ... Walking Thin Lines ...

Balance is one of those words that has many different meanings...Some of us don't really experience or recognize the complete distress of being "out of balance" until we try to take our first steps, or that exciting but frustrating first bike riding lesson...when you think you've got it and your parent lets go to set you free and you don't really have it... and you're sent tumbling into the bushes...

but balance occurs in our bodies long long long before those experiences...it is almost perfect in us when we are infants, toddlers, even once we've reached kindergarten...balance is perfect health...balance is understanding the polarity ... duality... the feminine the masculine... Goddess and God... the elements earth air water fire ...

we lose balance as life takes ahold of us...throwing us wildly into the unknown with little support, or nowhere to turn...we lose balance when we forget that we are in control...we are powerful...we are the only ones who can restore balance ...

in Traditional Chinese Medicine, or ancient thought...it is believed that illness or disease occurs only when there is an imbalance of something... an imbalance that stops the Chi or life force from flowing fluidly throughout our inner and outer selves (aura)...

It is believed that everyone should attempt to create balance in their lives in order to remain healthy... eat balanced meals...balance fun with responsibility... balance earth with spirit...(but never forget that earth is spirit)

So these are just some of my ideas of what balance is to me...but

What is Balance to you?

Birthdays

2005-08-09T14:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes
and look back to the past and nothing happened...
Sometimes I wish I didn't live the life I had lead so many years...
but then I wake up and realize how far I've come...

and I look back and say FUCK you if you didn't come along
and thank you for all who've been so strong...

Sometimes I wish I was younger...
and could do it all over again...
then I remember those moments of pain,
those cold moments of shame...
the times when I didn't know my name

and I look back and say FUCK you if you couldn't be so strong
and thank you for all who've come along

I used to wish I was somewhere other than where I was...
and I used to wish I could be someone else ...
but now I'd rather be no where other than where I am ... and who I am...
and I know I'm gonna keep going...

and I look forward and I say Fuck you if you don't want to be there
when I do ...
and thanks for all of you who got me through...

The Inspiration Incense of Hope

2005-07-11T15:58:00.000-04:00

I light the incense and quietly contemplate the rising smoke...
It rises in a lulling stream,
then spins to spirals gracefully
winding to the sky

I remember that to some,
the lighting of the incense is done
for the prayer to have a vehicle to heaven, the divine source, the universe or...
as the smoke rises so do my prayers...

I think of the people who spend the days in their homes afraid...
afraid of what lives with them...what will come home tonight?

I hope that the world will embrace them

I think of the children eager to express themselves ...

I hope that the world will embrace them

I think of those close to me... friends and family...

I hope that the world will embrace them

I think of those I've never met...

I hope the world will embrace them

I think of those who do not have means...

I feel guilt for ever thinking I do not have enough...

I hope the world will embrace them, and me

I seek for my way to give back...

I think of those I've felt negatively towards...

and pray that I may find compassion...

understanding... of what I am not, and what I am...

I am grateful

I offer gratitude...

thankful for my beautiful home, and all that surrounds me...

thankful for my lover, of whom I am not afraid,

thankful for nourishment...

thankful for survival... of worst and best times ...

I am grateful for the many blessings ... even those I am not yet aware...

I watch as the incense slowly burns to its end,
I think of how wondrous the past year has been
and I send hope with the last bit of smoke rising,
that I will continue changing... growing... learning...
as will the world...

What the Bleep Do We Know?

2005-07-06T09:35:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it.

www.whatthebleep.com

"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."- Albert Einstein, in The New Convergence

Check it out and PLEASE post your thoughts and comments about it here...I would love to hear opinions even the opposing!!!

Blessed Be

Differentiating Mental Health and Spirituality

2005-06-23T10:24:00.000-04:00

Where does the line between spiritual journey and mental health cross?
When does becoming "awakened" "enlightened" "reaching supreme consciousness" become a matter of sanity?
How does one differentiate between being sane and insane?
Spiritual or completely nuts?

I've talked to several social workers considering this question, and most of them answer with: That is a very tough subject or that is a very thin line...but none of them seem to have any answer. So I guess what I'm asking here is do any of you know where I might find this information? I've searched google, I've looked in books that I already own, but I have not found what I'm looking for....

Still Searching...Always seeking...

Granola Bars and the Grateful Dead

2005-06-11T12:52:00.000-04:00

As I sit eating a granola bar for body nourishment
I listen to the Grateful Dead for soul nourishment...

After a meditative morning filled with exquisite experiences of spiritual enlightment, the words of their Brokedown Palace came streaming through my mind..."Going Home Going Home by the Waterside I will rest my bones ... and listen to the river sing sweet songs to rock my soul"...

I sift through my cd collection searching for the one that I have not listened to in years that has this song on it...I find it...I listen to it, and realize that many of the song's lyrics on this cd are ones I've needed to hear...all referring much to going home...

That's exactly where I'm headed...leaving bright and early in the morning I am getting in my brand new car and driving the 8 hours to my very much loved and missed friends and family...

I am full with love and joy as I haven't seen their faces in many months...I am not unhappy in my NEW home, but I need a taste of the ones who have nurtured me to the place I am now...to offer them gratitude for all they've done for me...

I also received a wonderful gift from ... (fill in the blanks with whatever comes to your mind) It was a REawakening of the love I have for El Bastardo...

I can't explain what happened to me ... as it is another sacred moment in my personal journey...but I am certain that he "flew to me" to save me from spiraling downward, lifted me up and has given me wings to fly in my "secret space of dreams"... He has handed me a key to my destiny, a place where I can rest after a storm, and an embrace forever warm and welcoming...(there are times when he thinks I'm kooky, but he never stops loving me)

AAAHH the beauty of life and love

and realizing that life IS love...

I love him and he is teaching me to love myself...with much patience...and I am eternally grateful for that ...

and Now I must part to get ready for a wedding...and I get to hang with the ever wonderful BM and his hottie wife!!! (two more people that I feel ever blessed to have in my presence)

Discovering Animal Totems

2005-06-07T08:31:00.000-04:00

I have been reading a book called Animal Speak: The Spiritual and Magical Powers of Creatures Great and Small by Ted Andrews. The book is based on the Native American tradition of Animal Totems...A powerful way that nature and spirit communicate with us...Each animal has a message or lesson which we can be taught. And the animals will present themselves to us...whether they be a message totem (an animal that appears for just that day) or a totem that is a life-long partner like a Spirit Totem ... or even the Shadow Totem...The animal which instills fear or anxiety is usually considered a shadow totem...Shadow totems can be transformed into Spirit Totems when the appropriate lessons have been learned.

(There are numerous websites on this topic as well...If you are interested in this check out one of two of them... or find yourself a book on the topic

http://www.spiritualnetwork.net/totems/

http://www.animaltotem.com/

http://www.sayahda.com/cycle.htm )

I have had numerous experiences over the years involving animals and I always knew that there was something more to it. Because the way they appear to me at times when I need them most is amazing. A wonderful gift from nature... When you begin to open yourself up to the idea that this can happen...IT WILL ... and IT is Extraordinary...

I would love to share these experiences with all of you...but for some reason right now I feel that it is a private journey...one that I need to keep inside for now until I can process it into words...

So you may be wondering why I'm posting this well, the reason I am writing this entry is to encourage anyone who may feel that they need to delve deeper into the depths of themselves to start exploring the possibilities...or anyone who has always felt connected to animals but didn't know why to look further...

Take notice of the animals that appear throughout your day today...Think about the animals that have been a part of your life, whether through dreams or waking life...Think about the animals that create fear or anxiety...and explore the meanings that lie within them...beyond them...beyond you...

Just some Food for Thought...

The Book

2005-05-27T12:06:00.000-04:00

The book was Llewellyn's Practical Guide to Psychic Self Defense and Well-Being...the book explains the difference between our physical body's aura and our psyche's aura...dividing them into two seperate force fields the Alpha and the Beta... The book provides ways to strengthen the psyche's aura so that people or elementals (other beings) can not steal your energy as easily...

There are certain people in our lives that tend to TAKE energy from us...These people are not necessarily conscious of it, or intend to drain us in anyway, they just do...

Don't you have people in your life that Give you energy...you feel "jazzed up" when you are around them? Don't you have people in your life that after spending some time with them you feel completely exhausted...well these feelings can be related to their energy fields and the ways that they affect your energy field...

The book also goes into a little bit about astral projection and the astral realm that exists beyond us... the reality we perceive in the physical world is different but co-exists with the astral world and events that take place on the astral reality can have a major impact on our lives in the physical reality...the self defense this book teaches is the self defense needed among the astral plane...

It also discusses Visualization as a way of manifesting your life...Practicing visualization can be difficult because it requires much focus...but once you have filled your imagination with positive visualizations there will be little room for fears or anxieties...

You may think my beliefs are a little crazy...
but I'll contend and...

see you in the astral realm...

"Reality is the mirror of your thoughts. Choose well what you put in front of the mirror."

Absorption or Obsession?

2005-05-23T10:57:00.000-04:00

I have become completely absorbed in a book, and find it almost impossible to do or think about anything else...

Every friend I have talked to in the last couple of days since I've picked it up has heard all about this book, I've taken it with me everywhere I've gone so that I can read it on the way or the way home...

I can't put it down...that is one of the reasons I haven't blogged lately...Been too absorbed or should I say obsessed with reading this book...

I will return when the Bookends.......

Soul Sucker You Soul Sucker Written Words

2005-05-06T15:15:00.000-04:00

He thinks he's won again
as he slinks he slides like the serpent glides
in to the hearts of one too many at a time
he reaches out and portrays inner emotions
as little bits and pieces of bait
making them think they are all a little more special
than the one before
I'll stay with you longer than the last
just to prove you are a precious catch of my cast
he'll urge them and swallow the bait
so he can reel them in one crank of the reel every month
until he's slowly sure he's hooked them on the line
makes them think they can call him "mine all mine"
but He is not even HIS own
because he himself can't even find the person he thinks he is
commit resist destroy insist
a child in the playground
only the swing sets are women
and sliding boards male friends
he doesn't think of broken link chains
and worn leather from heavy loads from his mind
just scratches on the surface
as he throws his ASS on them
for that special ride
the fall to the rise
it's all his game
his fun, his time
his toys his girls his boys
he'll never learn a lesson
until one person grows a backbone
decides they can handle sacrafice
and stand up to his test of time
bring him knowledge of his lies
because his masks are opaque
his many many offensive mistakes
obvious to even the naked eye
that he may confront internal demons
and stop spreading his sperm
his infected dishonest semen
all for his self serving soul searching
can't break any ties
holding on to what he HAD just in case
ALWAYS in case
something he has now dies
Soul Sucker
You Soul Sucker
Male to the negative power
God Damn motherfucker

I won't let you win this time!!

To hear this read aloud listen to audio post...

Soul Sucker You Soul Sucker

2005-05-06T15:03:00.000-04:00

Headache

2005-04-28T10:35:00.000-04:00

I am taking a break from sitting with a half a lime on my forehead...

Has anyone ever heard to cut a lime in half and rub it on your forehead to cure a headache?

Well, I am trying it right now and

I'll let you know if it works...

a lime a lime a lime...what a money saver....

Excedrin 9.00 a bottle
Lime .30
a happy girl without a headache priceless...

Excerpt from ...

2005-04-20T11:30:00.000-04:00

Pictures of the Gone World
by: Lawrence Ferlinghetti
(my favorite beatnik)

25 The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don't mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don't sing
all the time

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn't half so bad
if it isn't you

Oh the world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't much mind
a few dead minds
in the higher places
or a bomb or two
now and then
in your upturned faces
or such other improprieties
as our name brand society
is prey to
with its men of distinction
and its men of extinction
and its priests
and other patolmen
and its various segregations
and congressional investigations
and other constipations
that our fool flesh is heir to...

Yes, the world is the best place of all
for a lot of such things as
making the fun scene
and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
and singing low songs and having
inspirations
and walking around
looking at everything
and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
and even thinking
and kissing people
and making babies and wearing pants
and waving hats and dancing
and going swimming in rivers on picnics
in the middle of summer and generally
'living it up'

Yes
but then right in the middle of it
comes the smiling

MORTICIAN

Deadline...

2005-04-19T14:28:00.000-04:00

I am having a serious attack of the Writer's Block

it has come up through me like a wave of frustration,
each muscle tense,
every breath shallow,
every moment feels wasted,
every keystroke just a backspace away from a finished product
deadlines are screaming at me,
and I cannot produce...

anyone have any unblocking suggestions?
I'm open to anything at this point...

The T of S&T

2005-04-15T11:40:00.000-04:00

She's got an evil air
breathing fiery flames fueled by hell
beautiful but only on the outside,
like a dragoness,

She sways in Selfishness
Holds her Head up in False Pride
Heavy with Arrogance
Consumed by Greed
Driven by Money
Never once thought of doing something for nothing
Wants to live up to the Status Quo
Every Hair Twirl screams "In Vain"
Yet Vanity is Discontent
Thoughts of Judgement,
even before you've made your case
A Competitive Weakness not strength
She Breeds only Bro ken Promises
Tries to Drink Health from Tea and "Organic Foods" but is
Without Heart
Without Compassion
Without Health
She is Beyond Help

Morning Madness

2005-04-12T11:22:00.000-04:00

Frozen fingers and toes don't make for comfortable typing or for comfortable anything...water is good, but cold, tea is good but i forgot my sweetener and I can't stand it without it...

maybe i'll run to starbucks and steal, i mean borrow, a couple sweeteners.

so rising early without realizing how early it was...why you might ask...let me replay this am's events

just before sun rise...

she pounces on the bed, with a quiet but just enough to wake you meow...a groan...another meow...you don't move so she jumps on your feet and starts trying to gnaw through the blanket...you nudge her with your foot ever so gently, she bores with that, very quickly and walks along your back, as well as my boyfriend's...a step every 5 seconds, another groan, another meow...finally, I cannot feel her any longer, she must have climbed onto the bed side table where she likes to sit, stare at you, meow louder and louder and then knock stuff off and watch it hit the ground...but not this morning...she must have been diving for the strings on the blinds...but they were just beyond her reach...she loses her balance...you hear claws on wood, I open my eyes to see a furry rear end sticking up between wall and bed side table and still hear her trying to grip into the back of the table with her claws. Boyfriend wakes and proceeds to scream: ALRIGHT CAT, I'M GONNA THROW YOU OUTSIDE, I ONLY HAVE ONE HOUR LEFT TO SLEEP...

Now that I know she's annoying him as well as me, I get up and feed her...I know, I know...I'm just teaching her that this behavior is good, but I figured it's better to let the king get his rest...

I feed her a half a can of fancy feast and go back to bed...

lying there, toss, turn, toss turn, he snores...toss turn, nothing...

Composing ad for Ebay in my head:

Used/like new

small furry alarm clock

set to go off daily between 6 and 8 am... some snoozing capability

Operates on can of Fancy Feast...

realizing I can't sleep, so since he said he had an hour I thought it was about 6:30 or so...get up take a shower, get dressed, make breakfast shake, take vitamin...go to leave grab my cell phone only to realize it is only 6:45...WHAT? How can I possibly be this awake this early...oh well...left for work...

So now that it is only 11:30am...I'm ready for an afternoon nap....and I can't think all that well...

GOOD TUESDAY MORNING to you all...hope yours was better than mine...

Stream of Consciousness 1

2005-04-08T14:23:00.000-04:00

It is warm in here, but my toes are cold, does that make sense? My left eyebrow hurts, it's a piercing headache, went to bed with it last night woke up with it this morning it is kind of annoying it reminds me of the under the skin zit that doesn't come to a head for over a week, and all you want is to be free of it. It paralyzes that whole side of your face and it hurts to smile, frown laugh do anything,

It's harder to do stream of consciousness writing on a computer than in your journal because of that damn backspace key, if I could just pretend it wasn't there...okay it's not there, damn I used it...fu-kin backspace die backspace die...

I joined a gym and I'm super excited about it, but I'm also scared all at the same time, like I want it to become completely natural for me to just go but I know it's going to take some time to make it a habit, they say if you do something for 21 days in a row than it becomes habit, but like I'm going out of town so I won't be here to go for 21 days in a row, and isn't it best not to work out every day anyway...you know the whole recovery thing is so very important, and why are my thoughts consumed with this bullshit anyway, what happened to more captivating thoughts? I dunno...I want to leave my job, and I probably could I mean I wrote 6 pages already today and that's over my self proclaimed quota but I feel like I should stay longer than I normally do because i came in later than I normally do but wait a minute this job doesn't have a set schedule so why the hell do I care about that crap? I dunno again....

I straightened my hair yesterday morning damn backspace, and I showered with a plastic bag over my head this morning so it wouldn't get wet, has anyone ever done that before? the way the water sounds when it hits the plastic bag is funny but then I went in to thinking how if that serial killer stalker of mine were to come into the house at that point it would be really easy for him to kill me with a plastic bag on my head, so I cut my shower short and got out ... does that make any sense? Nothing makes any friggin sense anymore...do I seem negative today? I'm really not feeling negative today, but it seems like I'm typing a whole lot of negativity on to this blog entry...I guess that's my stream of consciousness today...

I was thinking about how much I use the word SO I say it and type it a lot, I like to start paragraphs and sentences with it, so I guess I will, so what? so? I hate that saying when you were little and you would say SO, and someone would say "buttons on your underwear" or something stupid like that, that was annoying...like that under the skin zit I mentioned earlier...very similar annoyances...

Well enough S of C for me...sorry to bore you with this pointless rambling, but I figured I'd better post something and I should stop being so f-in picky about what I put on here...

HAPPY FRIDAY TO ALL and I probably won't see you til MONDAY!!! GOOD WEEKENDS TO YOU!!!

Are Fears Past Life Experiences?????

2005-04-05T09:48:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of past lives and fears...

How many of you have heard this before "Your worst fears of this lifetime are experiences you may have experienced in a past life or lives"...I have heard this numerous times from several different sources ...

Now the belief of this theory would bring one to consider reincarnation and whether they believe in it or not...and though my beliefs of reincarnation are questionable...I would almost hope that this theory were true...

as an over consuming materialistic american I lean towards believing in reincarnation. Why? Only because to some of us QUANTITY is equal to QUALITY. The amount of organizations, tribes, or religions that DO believe in the reincarnation of a soul is abundant therefore, QUALITY equals BELIEF...

but as a person who chooses to believe in something and often goes back and says: "Wait a minute there are some things that don't make sense" I lean towards non-belief...again I question my belief in reincarnation...and this is for an additional blog entry of sorts...

Back to the theory...If I were to believe this theory...which is questionable...that would mean that I have survived many horrible things in my approximate 4331 lives...

Some of these things include:

Spider Swarming: Massive furry eight legged creatures come at me slowly from all angles...eventually their legs are feeling me, I can feel the furriness of their tentacle like legs pawing at my existance, as they swoop me up and beging to feed on me...their bodies are pulsing they look like human lungs expanding and contracting...til eventually I am completely consumed by them...eaten alive...

Attacked by Serial Killing Stalker: I would have been stalked for approximately 2 months until some man with glasses and a face like the unibomber figures out my schedule...comes into my home, rape, tortures, and kills me in a brutal horrifying death... (an old friend in the heat of an argument referred to this fear as super star syndrome and asked me why I think I'm so special that this would happen to me...I still don't know the answer to this question, but it makes me laugh with myself)

Shark Attacks

Cement Truck Dumping Wet Cement On Top of Me...(this fear encouraged by an old episode of "The Incredible Hulk" in fact, the only one I have a vivid memory of)

Drowned ... Possibly on the Titanic...

Smothered by blankets

Mauled by the following wild animals: Bears, Wildcats, Wolves
Mauled by the following domesticated animals: Pitbulls...

Burned to death in a fire...

Been confined to a mental hospital with schizophrenia and if only someone else could hear the voices they would understand

My home would have been raided by nazi soldiers

and the list goes on....but I've revealed too much about myself already...

So if this theory is true, then I'd like to THANK MY LUCKY STARS I DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THESE THINGS AGAIN!!!!

What Have you been up to in your past lives and what are you grateful that you won't have to experience again????

2005-04-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

...and these are a few of my favorite things...

Sticks and Stones and Balancing My Chakras

2005-04-01T11:54:00.000-05:00

(Seventh Chakra)
With the amethyst in hand,
I wish for contentment
That it may guide my soul to the place
that knows no confinement
That it may open my mind to the place
of treasured enlightenment

(Sixth Chakra)
With the Sodalite in hand,
I wish for enhanced truthfulness to my emotions
that it may guide my soul to the place
that knows no confusion
That it may assist logical thought
in a creative mind...

(Fifth Chakra)
With the Quartz Crystal in hand,
I wish for my thoughts to transform into sound
that it may guide my soul to clear communications
that knows no limitations and create complete understanding
That it may assist with rejuvenating lost energy
from a weakened fatigued body

(Fourth Chakra)
With the Aventurine in hand,
I wish for my heart to be protected from hurtful desires
that it may guide my love to self and others
that knows no intentional pain infliction (emotional or physical)
That it may assist with balancing my yin and my yang,
for an alignment of my intellectual, emotional, and physical bodies.

(Third Chakra)
With the Citrine in hand,
I wish for my intuition to be stimulated,
that it may guide me to "look toward the sunshine"
that knows no endings, only fresh beginnings
That it may assit with opening my mind,
and cleansing blocked negative energies

(Second Chakra)
With the Carnelian in hand,
I wish for protection from envy, fear, and rage,
that it may guide me towards perfect love
that knows no victimization
That it may assist with dispelling any apathy, indolence, and passivity
and offer me strength when faced with these weaknesses whether within myself or another.

(First Chakra)
With the Smoky Quartz in hand,
I wish to be present in the moment,
that it may guide my soul toward joy
that knows no ending
that it may assist by absorbing any forms of negativity
and to activate my survival instincts.

Wonderful Weather

2005-03-31T11:08:00.000-05:00

The spring days have finally arrived
and for the first time in several months
I feel ALIVE...

I've been slacking on my blogger duties...
but I promise to get caught up here soon...

Love to all!!! Please stay tuned

2005-03-26T17:45:00.000-05:00

She's Too Much

Feline Heals With Fury

2005-03-23T10:33:00.000-05:00

She'll rub against you climb on your lap,
just when you think she's come to love you...
attack...
with a wack and a scrap...
but...

Her eyes speak peace to my heart
in their earth tone whispers
She warms my cold emotions with her
sun toned coat of softness
she makes loneliness disappear with
her gentle touch of power
she plays touch tag with the rays of light
beaming through the windows
she reminds me that I am a lover...
She heals me,
merely by her presence,
she uplifts me when I'm sinking deep into depression
but...

She'll rub against you
climb on your lap,
just when you think she's come to love you...
attack...
with a wack and a scrap

Observations of a Non-bowler on League Night

2005-03-22T13:20:00.000-05:00

Did you ever notice that children of a certain age range do not understand or respond well to sarcasm?

Immediately, when a sarcastic comment is made towards them, their defenses shoot up their faces become red with either embarrassment or anger and they begin to throw out oppositional comments...

I'm often drawn to children and their innocent nature and their ability to shrug things off easily...

yet, when it is sarcasm...this is no longer true...

I start thinking back to my psychology courses and wonder if it has something to do with the psychological development and that part of their thinking not being developed yet, or even having the ability to think in that manner...

But then I think...you know what?...I don't take to sarcasm very well anymore either...which is odd for someone who tends to be very sarcastic, as well as being raised in a family that uses sarcasm as a coping mechanism...(mom, not you as much as the rest of em)...and also currently living with and loving a very sarcastic person...

So I begin another path of self analyzing that can sometimes be constructive and other times destructive...but let's see where it leads this time...

I take my loverboy for instance...in the very beginning of our relationship, he would throw a sarcastic comment at me and I would throw one back...not ever flinching or thinking that he meant what he said...just tit for tat and never a fight...

but now, that we have grown closer and know each other better, the ins and outs of each other, our weaknesses, our insecurities, our loves, our likes, our dislikes...whenever he throws a sarcastic comment my way, I cringe and immediately respond as though he were attacking me...

So the point of all this is that I'm wondering...What happened? What changed within me that would lead me to crawl back to my inner child who cannot process sarcasm very well...?

I'm open to suggestions...This is something I would like to fix...and am asking for advice....

Can't Comment

2005-03-17T08:34:00.000-05:00

I have been reading your blogs
but for some reason I can not post comments
Is anyone else having this problem?

Well, just wanted you all to know

still reading...can't comment

Happy Thursday...

Mind Speak

2005-03-11T09:05:00.000-05:00

and My Teacher's Phone Call

My current thoughts are not going to be logical...as they usually never are...I rely on others to bring logic to certain situations, but I apply my own logicn which to me and a few like minds makes perfect sense but to some it does not... if you are in a mood to let go of logic continue reading this post...

my body is being attacked right now...and I mean attacked in an energy sense...I have several spots of cystic acne on my right cheek...a small zit forming on my upper lip, and well...another thing that I'll name my private predator...

As I look in the mirror and tell myself I am falling apart...I am reaffirming that the "attack" continue...

if I were to look in the mirror and tell myself I am "healing" then the attack will cease and the healing will begin...

I was talking to a friend yesterday morning who was asking me about "affirmations" or "mind speak" and if I knew what this meant? She explained it to mean that as you go through everyday life try not to use negatives...she's been practicing this for several weeks or maybe even longer and she's realized that there are soooo many ways to describe negatives...but there are very few words to "specifically" describe the positive needs in our life...

for example she said "I am trying to find a way to say that I do not have acne...but how do you say that starting the sentence with I AM and not using any negatives like NOT, NO, or others....I said "try I am porcelain skin"...she replied with "yeah, then I wake up one day and my face is porcelain glass" as she said this I had visions of her sneezing and her face cracking into a maze of lines ... so I continued to try and try to think of a way to help her with this particular affirmation I found it almost impossible to be specific... she resolved and said "I am healthy... but healthy is such a broad term" ... The conversation continued and we continued to hash out the spirit sides of ourselves and how to improve our lives ... I arrived at work and had to get off the phone, but i carried her words with me...

As the day went on... I continued to practice mind speak, I called on a co-worker to try it too...and we both kept laughing to ourselves when the negatives would slip in...they were like little masked men waiting for the right time to jump in to a sentence...they creep in and steal your positive thinking right out from under you all the while giggling and dancing with devilish smirks...

Yesterday was a wonderful, productive, and fascinating day... all because of practicing these affirmations and "mind speak"... so I urge you to try it...try it just for one day...and see how it works out for you... As you may notice when reading this post that I've already messed up numerous times using negatives... It is not an easy practice by any means...but it IS fun..

Mind Speak To All...

I AM HEALING...

Dedicated to Az and Joy

2005-03-10T16:45:00.000-05:00

Az: This song is in response to your Ghost by Indigo Girls....

and Joy: it's a prayer I sing for you...

It surely did for me...

Love Will Come To You
Indigo Girls

guess i wasn't the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for
the one i never can afford

the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil for peace
but the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predator of pain inside her

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if I've offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one
there will be two

i was born under the sign of cancer
like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer
i close my eyes and wish you fine
(i'm always closing my eyes wishing i'm fine)
even though i know you're not this time
(even though i'm not this time)

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i've offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two

dodging your memories
a field of knives always
on the outside looking in on other's lives
i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i've offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one
there will be two

and i wish her insight
to battle love's blindness
strength from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
learn to pretend there's more than love that matters

Mystified

2005-03-09T18:50:00.000-05:00

I am mystified by the way life works...
I go to lunch with my significant other...
he says he'll pick me up...
he does...we drive to a near by shopping area...
we are walking along and he says you see that "store name here" ...
I said yes ... he says "Azathoth works there"...I said "really".."I would love to meet him"...
we go to the store...and waaa laaa I meet Az...what a pleasure it was to meet you, Az...

Such a warm welcoming hug and friendly presence...
a strange encounter...

It was just the other night that I had a dream...
I was walking along a strip of businesses...
I pass in front of a coffee shop...
I look in the window and see everyone holding mugs with names on them...
Not real names but blogger names....
on the mugs I saw "Purple Pyramid","BM", "Az" "Joy", Gray Eyed Dan, Gama, Burfica, and the list goes on...funny how I don't really have a blog relationship with all of these bloggers...not that I don't want to...just haven't branched out that far yet....

I reach in a bag of mine and pull out a mug that says "Bookend"... I nervously put the mug back in my bag and stand there wondering if I should go in... I was full of anxiety...my hands were trembling and I was sweating ...

I woke up...never met them...just saw their mugs...

Today, in real life, was nothing like that...no nervous meeting...it was like meeting an old friend again after a long time passing...

Thanks Az...see you soon, I hope...

Two Hour Delay

2005-03-01T08:38:00.000-05:00

two more hours to do your hair,
the pretty girls always looked so much prettier,
the heated curlers had more time to hold the curls
the make up could be applied and reapplied til it was perfect
their outfits could be tried on,
change the shirt,
change the shoes,
now the socks,
add jewelry,
take some away,

in my case it meant two more hours to sleep
and...

breakfast with my best friend,
if she didn't slide into a snow bank
on her winding country road
and I sat wondering where she was
(before the cell phone)

two hours less in prison,
shorter class periods
snowball fights between them
yellow warning cones on slippery school floors
shorter attention spans
canceled tests
longer locker sessions
no gym clothes needed
there won't be enough time to change
distracted class mates
staring out the window
what'd the teacher say?

Plans for after school sled rides,
snowman building...
climbing in a garbage bag and
sliding down your front yard's bank

ahh the wonder of a two hour delay
back in the day...

2005-02-24T12:39:00.000-05:00

Some days I wish I were her...Naps, searching for sunlight, and play is all her days require...

Want to Know what age you will die?

2005-02-24T09:31:00.000-05:00

Scary thought that I would only have 43 years left to live...better live it well...

March Rain

2005-02-23T10:25:00.000-05:00

Written So Long Ago: March 2001

I watched the vomit rinse away in the March Rain
I watched her move uncomfortable
searching for what she wanted
I watched the dark loss in her eyes.

I saw through her false smile to her sorrow
I am frightened by her every tomorrow

He tips her scale
Her Libra off her balance
A heavy anchor,
Ball and Chain,
Weighing her down

I cry out to someone, the god of all things, the god of all religions,
GOD,
I cry out

Let Her Breathe
Let Her Leave
Take Her Please

She took me in her arms and let me cry for her
The Tears of Worry streamed from eyes of dismay.
The fear of her life in depths defined
His drugs make her blind,
He's taken trust away from her mind.

I cry out to someone, the god of all things, the god of all religions.
GOD,
I cry out

Take my breath
so she may breathe
Give her back to me
Set her free

There comes a time when I can take no more
All the pain
the vomit rinsing rain,
Each rain drop unique as the next
Each tear drop parallel to the rest

I cry out, I cry out

I've cried out...

Nothing's Changed

2005-02-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

I realized nothing's changed...
except for ages...
time...
experience...

It's still much the same...
they are all doing the things they've always done...
in the same rooms...
with their same clothes....

it's easy to miss...
and easy to leave...
when you realize
nothing's changed...

Me and E.E. Cummings

2005-02-15T14:55:00.000-05:00

Today...I opted to stay home from work, and nurse the feverish feeling I've been getting the past few days...It is a nice day here...warm...and somewhat sunny...

Got a disturbing call from home concerning my father's health, but nothing to worry about yet...

Went To Barnes and Noble with the intention of buying Lawrence Ferlengheti...but found only one on the bookshelf and it is one I already own...

I had a Barnes and Noble gift card that was losing its value so the pressure was on to buy buy buy...

I called a friend and fellow avid reader of poetry and asked her to decide between E.E. Cummings, T.S. Elliott, and Allen Ginsberg...after first trying to call a friend to recommend a certain Charles Bukowski book and realizing I did not have their number with me...

My friend and fellow avid reader of poetry helped my indecisive mind settle on E.E. Cummings, which happened to be the cheapest of all options, which enabled me to purchase not one but three books...

I come home get dinner in the oven, check my email to find a political email from my mother which of course is more horrible information about how the goverment abuses us and steals our money...

I open the first book Tulips and Chimneys to page 51...

to my surprise the poem was extremely relevant to the thoughts that were running through my head: Coincidence? (i highly doubt it)

It reads...

LA GUERRE

1

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both

parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard

Humanity, i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps

you from the pawn shop and
because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down

on it
and because you are
forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you

E.E. Cummings

2005-02-14T16:20:00.000-05:00

One of my two favorite Valentines..

Photo Courtesy of Friend Photographer Bobby P... visit his website at
http://www.rdpphotography.com/rdpsplash.htm

HELP

2005-02-14T14:08:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone:

I am not computer illiterate, but I am seeking more computer knowledge...a few things I want to be able to do are:

1. How do I post Pictures to appear on my blog and or with my comments etc...

2. How do I make a link list of all my favorite blogs???

If anyone could help me with this I would greatly appreciate it...
and it just might make my blog more interesting...

Six Phrase

2005-02-10T08:41:00.000-05:00

Sounds surging
firey fingers through my hair
your madness
mingles my madness
Hearts beat
life's drum's rhythm...

Waves lurking
watery laces through my shoes
her majesty
mingles my majesty
Sands wash
life's sinful secrets

Frequencies Flashing
Pigment through my whites
their madness
mingles my madness
Distractions disturb
thought's controlled patterns

Sympathies Merging
Tears through my cheeks
his madness
mingles my madness
Fractions unheard
emotions' unraveled abstraction
(to be continued)

Ladies and Gentlewomen

2005-02-01T11:29:00.000-05:00

As I'm sitting next to Ms. Prim and Proper,
Ms. Never Say a Mean Word
Ms. Honey I love you
Ms. See you tomorrow Kiddo

My headphones are screaming the lyrics
"My cunt is a wound that won't heal"
emphasis on the word cunt
and I almost caught myself singing along aloud...

I don't think Ms. P&P would quite understand...
I don't think she has ever seen her cunt (emphasis on the word cunt) as a wound,
or even seen her cunt(emphasis on the word cunt) for that matter...

Did you ever look at yours with a mirror... Try it...

does that word make you uncomfortable?
what about the word: pussy... or twat...

would you say them freely in front of any company?
what about to yourself? Try it...

Stand in front of the mirror
and say all of those words
that someone along the way
taught you were dirty
taught you that a wonderful part of your body
was dirty,
say pussy cunt twat quietly
and then gradually say pussy cunt twat louder
and louder and louder...until your shouting
then break into laughter...
but never once feel dirty
never once cower to shame

Be Exhilerated
Be Liberated
It's Pussyliciously,Cuntabulous, and Twatastic

Blues are Back with a Whack Ta Tap Tap

2005-01-31T11:01:00.000-05:00

On Saturday evening
I was marveled by history in the making
by attending a performance of Honeyboy Edwards,
the near 90 year old man playing and singing the blues,
like the songs were written yesterday,
When he would look up and out at the crowd his eyes
sucked you in and spit you out with their wisdom...
there was this intensity of feeling in each of his chords,
his guitar chords
his vocal chords,

and I was elated by his songs of sadness...
You might think it's "oxymoronic" but
The rule defying rhythms
mixed with heart and soul
IS the music,
all combined with heartwrenching lyrics,
makes your momentary standing still...
change to feet tapping, butts and shoulders shaking
whether you meant to or not...

Sometimes the blues aren't so blue
sometimes there just a piece of you
Give 'em the blues
and they'll give you a song,
give us a beat
and we'll all sing along...

Angry Anymore

2005-01-30T14:02:00.000-05:00

"I'm not as angry as I was before"

I'm thinking as I walk along the aisles
looking for the fruit for thought
that will soothe my hungry mind
and just then...

I catch you as
You observe my body with wandering eyes,
undressing me with your desire,
your mind erasing all the "flaws" that society says are,
and I'm sure you find the "perfect" woman underneath my clothes...

and sometimes I get so tired of your glances
I get so angry at your advances,
I long for an over abundance of what men find as flaws,
I want to draw out my claws...
scratch out your eyes

and then I realize,
I'm still as angry as I was before...

I don't want to be angry anymore...
but it seems that as time goes on nothing changes...
I've marched the streets with other pissed off women,
I listened to their speeches, I even wrote and delivered my own,
I carried their signs, I chanted demands for safe streets and safe homes,
and five years later I pick up their magazines
and hear all the same cries...

I listen to the songs written years and years before,
and you would think that someone different may be listening,
that there may be some changes,
but the only ones that hear it, are the ones like you and me...
the ones that understand, the ones that still agree...
and if there are any new ears out there,
they are only younger versions
of women looking for a place to find strength and acceptance,

I stand in the shower and let the tears fall to the drain...
no one will find me weak in loneliness, no one will know my pain
no one will know that I feel helpless, like my efforts all went unnoticed
all that fighting I stood up for...
all those things I tried to do...
As long as I don't tell them no one will know
that I'm still angry as I was before,
and they will not talk about me if
they think that I'm not angry anymore...

Soldiers of Now

2005-01-27T15:33:00.000-05:00

They are fighting on the front lines...
they are hurting themselves...
one will never be the same again...

and it is more than what we know...
it is more than we'll ever know...
it is all hidden behind the smurking lies,
the self-righteous mask of hypocracy...
in the disguise of "morality"
a pious leader,
a hero to ignorant minds,

and you promise freedom,
but I am more afraid now, than I was then...
but maybe death is freedom,
or at least to them...
what about them?...

Out of Reach

2005-01-27T15:16:00.000-05:00

And well, it's a cold and lonely day
I try to find comfort in my own skin,
but there's something,
there's something that won't let me in,
I'm looking for the solution, the elixir,
to cure the fear,
a connection with courage and bravery,
a path away from this indignation.

A moment of self-possession,
I am better than this obsession
of uncomfortable regression,
I stagger back through the false impressions
always alone, no one is with me...
Gotta find the courage, gotta get brave
gotta find my determination...

I am my equanimity,
I know what it means to have composure,
I've gotta level-headedness,
underneath all the confusion,
behind every spinning delusion,
I am passive without any impassivity
Just beyond my reach
lies tranquility...

All Apologies

2005-01-25T21:22:00.000-05:00

So, I have been having an incredibly difficult time with posting and comments...

I am so frustrated that I have almost hit my computer monitor several times...

but I stop myself only because I know it will only hurt me more than the computer...

I am also trying to control my sudden bouts of anger and rage...

I apologize to all of you whose blogs I avidly read and comment on...I have been reading, just haven't been able to comment....

I will be back...as soon as blogger lets me.....

Prayer for a Peaceful World

2005-01-24T16:19:00.000-05:00

It seems that hatred is a strong force that has been overcoming us for years...
We don't always know it is happening, but we can be sure that it happens every day
Sometimes right before our eyes...
It is scary to think that we are all guilty of it, that some of us see it happening and do nothing to stop it...but we do...

I pray that myself and everyone else may find peace in their hearts and practice compassion for those who are different from us...without hate...

The beautiful world would be all the more beautiful if we would all see it through loving eyes...

some food for thought ...

Here are some links if you are interested in finding out more about this cause...

http://www.tolerance.org/

http://www.nonviolence.org/links/

http://www.forusa.org/rpf/default.html

Calling all Bloggers

2005-01-21T14:52:00.000-05:00

It seems that we are a hot topic lately...

considering there are no "limits, rules, and regulations" to what we write or talk about...

see this wall street journal article, this is only one of many I've seen lately...

We should all cherish our freedom as bloggers now, while we still have it...

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/0,,SB110626272888531958,00.html?mod=todays%5Ffree%5Ffeature

In Loving Memory: Jack Dempsey

2005-01-20T13:04:00.000-05:00

He lost his shades of blue and green,
he opened his mouth, took refuge at the bottom,
and with eyes wide open he went in peace...

You can see the tranquility in his gaze,
You can see the happiness of a long life lived,
an exciting, healthy life, with a loving owner...

He was never bored,
always altering his surroundings,
always offering a surprise in the mornings,
and now we offer him our mournings,

I light incense for him,
I set it on the tank,
I watch the smoke rise,

I pray it reaches the heavens,
finds Jack's spirit,
and guides him to the promised ocean...

Peace is with him...
and Peace be with you...

I offer a moment of silence for our fish...

Oldie but Goodie: Ode to the DJ

2005-01-17T20:44:00.001-05:00

Written January 2000....

It's been so long since I've seen it,
but your face,
that boyishly handsomely rugged face
sticks stuck stapled in my mind,
It may be obsession,
it may be mere infatuation
A confession of my wasted time.
I remember it like it was yesterday
All those nights I spent with HIM
watching you with HER
wishing to get rid of THEM
I wish I'd said and you had heard
The years you've put in
The years you've served.
Your time, your crime
It all seems so obsurd
Descention-Ascention-No connection
No lasting impression with no
comprehension
No pleasure to the...to the...to the...
my dreams of you seem so unreal
Does she know anything of how you feel?
I wonder if she pleases you the way that I would try?
I wonder if she left you, would you even think to cry?
I wonder if you know her the way you say you do?
I wonder if you're smiling as each morning greets you?
I wonder if its thoughts of her
that bring happiness' expression to surface
Fuck the earth and all its curses
The gravity granting weight to your anchor
Dislodge, Disconnect, LET GO!!!

You know nothing of how I feel
This time...this place...so surreal...
Damn this confusion...and damn this intrusion
so far from a definite settled conclusion
Locked, lost in our cells,
Our institutions of mind.
Damn the inspiration
Life's indication, The Desperation
my hyperventilations, A coincidental seperation
Absolute with complication
Distant Dreams of your reincarnation
Take off that mask you wear
Put Down that cross you bear
just be you and forget the impersonation

Taste it from my lips
taste it in just one sweet kiss
feel the adaptation to the intoxication
of my salivation
I can feel it ahead in the not quite seen future
your success, your dream come true
your final destination.
Reach out and grab the stars
fight the currents pulling you hard
Grasp this magnificent device of floatation
I'll help you breathe in breathless moments
Pick you up from your painful
fear-filled paralyzations
From love lost to aggravation
MY FRUSTRATION... YOURS
Wake up to the REVELATION
Your map is lost-Find a guide
towards CORRECT temptations
Don't live lonely in her eye's constant speculation
Your apprehension follows you
with your choke hold dedication
to her firm grip of what you know
to your fear of letting go...

It is exploitation staying there...
I will swallow you
your anticipation calls to you
It is poking you prodding you
Let unthought of elation by your driving motivation
To the relief of your relationship constipation
It's self injury staying there,
self-mutilation
Come on just turn in your resignation
Look closely at the magnification
of small things blown into volcanic eruption
Just see it as intermission
Not interruption
Look Back in retrospect
Let the mirrors reflect
STAND UP and redirect
Take seriously my Dialect
Don't take or collect
Just start over

AND RESURRECT!!!

Innocent Victim

2005-01-17T20:36:00.000-05:00

It's her innocence that drives me
to the point of misery
The fact that while she sits trusting,
he's out fucking her
and you sit idly by, and the
saying goes:
"all it takes for evil to triumph is for a
good man to do nothing"...
so evil continues to triumph...
and the good old excuse "he's my friend" sucks dick
if your friend fucks her, then why not you...
I have friends
and the one thing
I've learned from my friends is that
they teach you lessons you need to learn
by making you face reality
by not lying
and putting the pain
in your face where it belongs

Numbers Racket and My response

2005-01-17T20:30:00.000-05:00

Number's Racket by: Diane DiPrima

when you take no for an answer
will you look any different
will you get pale
behind your glasses will you
go backward with that
funny step
will you straighten your jacket

I mean are you taking it
now, taking no
for an answer

My Response:

I do step backwards
pale faced behind my glasses
straightening my jacket
I would, two-step slouching

I do not want to take it.
I do not want your sorry excuses
I am not taking it.
Not now,
I would not...

SEX

2005-01-13T10:31:00.000-05:00

He loved it so much
he was addicted
he claimed he needed it
he sometimes hid behind it
a secret life of sexual affairs
a night or two with anyone who dared
a condom here a condom there
no guarantee...all beware...

He loved it so much
he was addicted
he claimed it was fun
he sometimes denied it
a secret life of one night stands
a night... a morning of groping hands
a condom here a condom there
no guarantee...all beware

Now ...he regrets it...
he suffers in silence
wishing he had done things differently
diagnosed with HIV...

Personality Disorder Test

2005-01-11T14:53:00.000-05:00

Found this link on Rebekah's blog...thanks rebekah... www.antisocialtendencies.blogspot.com

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Comp: Moderate

Take the test http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Every Night Every Morning

2005-01-11T10:33:00.000-05:00

I ly down next to you,
I stare at the back of your head
I smile with absolute content
thinking of all the things you have said

I wrap an arm around you
I smile inside about you
you may not know how much I love you
because I may not always show you

but every night to every morning
I'm lighter...cause you are with me...
I'm smiling...cause you are near me...
I 'm brighter...cause you gave flames to the fires that flicker within me...

Body is in Disarray

2005-01-10T13:40:00.000-05:00

My body is in disarray
my mind not too far behind

My blood pumps visciously to my head
and then back down to my toes
as it flows, it sends heat yet
shivering coldness to the sweat
seeping from my pores

I wish it would go away
this body in disarray
my mind not far behind

Do not move too quickly
or it will all happen again
do not eat if you are hungry
do not drink if you are thirsty
do not dare, or do you dare?

when your body is in disarray
and your mind not far behind

An Old Poem: Mr. Teacher

2005-01-07T13:18:00.000-05:00

Written January 28, 1997

Excuse me, Mr. Teacher

but I'm afraid I haven't heard, I know my question may sound obsurd
there is a problem I keep facing,
my brain it just keeps racing,
you see I can't follow these same rules
Definite?
Set out?
for me this is too difficult...

Hey! Mr. Teacher

I'm sorry to interrupt your plan
but there's something I just don't understand
I've got all this confusion
could you help me correct my illusions
you see, going through these formulas
scars me like Dracula
sucking my energy straight from my veins
numbers, properties, operations, relations,
all of this jargon just drives me insane.

Excuse me, Mr. Teacher
but I'm feeling like a child
all this insecurity is driving me wild

Go on Mr. Teacher
with your damn explanation,
hopefully later I'll reach a realization
a correct comprehension of your dialect
on this particular maddening subject

Hey Mr. Teacher
could you lend me your ear
I need help, can't you sense my intense fear?
you see, I've never grasped this concept
does that make me mathematically incorrect,
or maybe less of an intellect
Does this make me an ignoramous, are my words efficacious?
Do they ring in your ear, What I mean is CAN you hear????
My hand is raised, my questions ready,
don't you see me, did you forget me?

Mr. Teacher!!!!

I'm crying out for your help vehemently
please please another explanation please!!!
I want to be set free
free from this intense aggravation

Help Help I plead for my salvation....

but he never answered, he never heard...
as a result I never learned...

New Year's Resolutionsssssssssss

2005-01-05T11:32:00.000-05:00

Here goes the list of changes I wish to accomplish within this year...some very reachable...others we shall see....

1) Practice Reiki DAILY
2) Lose at least 40 pounds
3) Learn to live a healthier lifestyle (diet and exercise)
4) Be playful at least once a day
5) Practice Meditation DAILY
6) Love myself, and EVERYONE (even things and people I have prejudices towards)
7) Journal DAILY
8) Work Hard
9) Fix up our HOME
10) Take National Certification Exam for Massage Therapy
11) Get licensed to work as Massage Therapist in Connecticut
12) Take one class
13) Be Happy
14) Learn to be less insecure

and I'm sure there is much much more!! I will keep you posted with new and accomplished goals for sure...

An almost overwhelmingly wonderful holiday

2005-01-04T11:58:00.000-05:00

Christmas was perfect, complete with snowfall, and lit fireplaces.
The mixture of my family and my significant other (new to us this year) was almost so perfect it was scary...

Experiencing his presence on Christmas morning eager to participate in the Family Traditions was everything I could have ever asked for...he is perfection in my eyes the ultimate Christmas gift...He was overjoyed with the gifts he received and I was elated by his excitement...

It was fun to give this year, and just as fun to receive, I was blessed with everything I asked for, even things I didn't...my family, my lover, and my friends are truly my reason for living...

I am glad to be back to my usual routine, and excited to take on this new year... new goals ... and a fresh start...

Happy New Year Everybody....

Happy Holidays

2004-12-23T11:37:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!!!
Hannukah!!!
Kwanzaii!!!
and Every other holiday it might be around this time of year...

Don't know how much time I'll get to post over this next week since I'll be home for the holidays...

See you all when I return...

I HATE MONEY

2004-12-22T13:26:00.000-05:00

Does anyone have a hatred for money as much as I do...

I can not seem to find the words to explain this hatred right now, maybe you all have some ideas???

Please list your reasons for hating money...it might help me sort out all this chaos in my brain...

Winter's Day

2004-12-20T11:48:00.000-05:00

Finally the first snow has fallen...
the temperatures are bitter cold...
and I am left to a day of introspection...
a few moments to get caught up with the pressures of Christmas coming soon,
and a day to quiet the mind,

every year at this time I am drawn to reflect on the many years past,
and I am always thinking of those of you who will be here for another year,
as well as all the wonderful new souls I get to share a new one with...

the combination of memory, tradition, and change,
we are all evolving into ourselves more each year,
and my family will always chuckle about my inability to "change"
and let tradition "change"
but I have accepted a need to be flexible...in one way or another...
or maybe I haven't,
I won't know until Christmas Eve...
That's when tradition to me really matters...

I'm not sure why but the routines on the Eve of Christmas are the ones that are the most special to me...
the late service with the candle light ending singing Silent Night...
the arrival home after the service to spinach balls, wine, cheese, and pepperoni appetizers,
the pajamas...the modeling the pajamas...
the reading of two stories...
I can't remember a time when we did not follow this routine,
and I worry as time passes that this routine will end,
due to the family aging,
the introduction of spouses and children of my sister's and mine...
either way, I will learn to accept the changes as they come,
at least this year, there will not be many....(hahaha)

Christmas is a time that reminds me of the power of friendship and family
a time that brings us together in love,
I am so grateful to have so many people to love in my life this season...
I am so grateful for this season...

My Christmas is now complete...
thanks to the arrival of the blanket of snow...
and the knowledge that I will soon be going home...

Elementary Memories Of Vandergrift for Johninvandergrift

2004-12-17T13:44:00.000-05:00

We used to all walk to school together, down the street to Adams Elementary School,
this school has been torn down and it is now a car dealership,
but the Fox's Pizza that we were allowed to walk to for lunch on Fridays is still there,
you had to have a note from your parents that you were allowed, and then you had an entire hour away from books and teachers and that caged in recess...

we would order Bambinos, which were little pizzas, enough for one, or two if you wanted to split some nachos or something else...

We would run home from school together, drop our bags in the doors and then down to Grant Avenue for fun in the local shops. Sweetlane Chocolates had a bar where you could order cokes and they would put real chocolate in them...I can still taste one if I close my eyes and think of the brown sweet syrups mixed together with a splash of carbonation...

Then back up the street to the alley behind Washington Ave and Grant for a competitive game of kick ball. I never wanted to play in gym class but with only a few good friends and neighbors I wasn't afraid. The games usually consisted of Gina Ceraso, Courtney can't remember his last name), sometimes Courtney's brother, Brandon and Shannon Kelly...

We would play until we had to go eat dinner, then back out for another round.

Zen of Frost

2004-12-16T08:36:00.000-05:00

Did you ever get up so close to it and notice...
that it looks as soft as feathers, but don't try to touch it, as it will melt away
from the heat of your body's touch...

Did you ever get so close to it that your...
eyes cross trying to focus, and notice how it is intricately woven together
on top of your windshield...

I found zen in the frost on my car this morning...
here's to everyone else who had to warm up and clean off their car...
Find zen in your frost...it makes the job feel less of a job and more
of an experience to treasure...

Good Morning Fellow Bloggers

2004-12-16T08:11:00.000-05:00

Waking up to frigid temperatures does not give me any fuel to get out from under the covers and get ready to go to work...

instead it makes me want to ask someone to make me coffee, please bring it to me, and then work from home slowly...unfortunately computer issues has made it so I MUST go to the office today, otherwise I would work from home...

Does anyone else get completely slow like a snail when this weather hits? I mean it is almost paralyzing to me...

I do know that the only thing that can happen with the temperature being as low as it is...that will make me jump out of bed excited to face the day...would be SNOW..lots and lots of SNOW!! One can hope...

All Interested In my Reiki Story

2004-12-15T15:30:00.000-05:00

If you are interested in reading my Reiki Story, Please tune into my other blog:

www.AReikiJourney.blogspot.com

Love to all...

Knock Down Drag Out Battle for my Self Control

2004-12-15T13:46:00.000-05:00

I get that feelin in my blood
I want a complication
I get the inclination
for a confrontation
we're so integrated

I like the frustration
of trying for your initiation
I get that hot flash feeling
it gets the motors reeling
makes the heart start beating

There are times when I just want to fight
sometimes, I just want to fight
and I know it isn't good
I know it could kill me and it would
its a knock down drag out battle for my self control

Its like a burning sensation
it lights the senses on fire...
like an electric shock
wire to wire
Desire to Desire

I get that feelin in my blood
come on I want to run
Give me the hot flash feeling
Make my heart stop beating

Send your pulses down the wire
fuel my fire with your desire
and I'll conquer the knock down drag out battle for my self control

Because I don't want to fight
even when I think I want to fight
because I know it isn't good
and it could kill me and it would

Your love is better than this knock down drag out battle for my self control.

Reiki

2004-12-15T11:53:00.000-05:00

Who ever believes in divine spirits? An energy bigger than oneself? A source of light and love?

I do...

I am a Reiki Practitioner...

A source of healing and light...
yet I can not seem to heal thyself...
If you would like to know more about Reiki...please comment and I will begin a stream of descriptive posts and experiences...

Spirituality is so personal and contraversial so I proceed with caution...

Knowledge is out there...it is up to you to want it...

2004-12-08T11:40:00.000-05:00

Gluttony beseeches me
Guilt from every delicious bite.
One more, then I'll stop, One more, One More ONE MORE

Whatever the device
one day taco dip,
the next potatoe chips
whatever my device

I know it is not good for me
I know it is a problem
I know

Somethings that happened

2004-12-07T08:39:00.000-05:00

OVERJOYED with Excitement

I wrote lyrics to a song written by a friend, and we recorded it...this means that I bit the bullet on my fear of singing in front of other musicians...now granted the song style is not what I would want to be known for, and the lyrics should be better, but the fact that the fear was released was elating, amazing, and terrifying...

I enjoyed it so much that I find myself drifting into my significant other's band room, and just standing in front of the microphone just replaying the events of that night in my head...trying to get that same feeling I had as we "jammed" ...but it is not a feeling that is easily recreated regardless of how much experience you have in mind control and meditation...it is a natural high that is unexplainable...

I have always wanted to learn to play guitar myself, so that I wouldn't have to wait for anyone, but I have failed miserably at trying...it is such a difficult instrument for ME to learn. I wish I had it in my blood, I do know how to play the piano, but I can't seem to write music that I like enough to write a song to...just continuously bang out songs already written by some composer who has been dead for centuries...oh the dilemmas...

So my point is that I just want to say thanks to DT, the man behind the drums, and P...from Seattle...you brought me to life that night, and I couldn't be more grateful for that experience alone...That moment was a dream being lived...

Rock on

Me, the work in progress

2004-12-03T14:30:00.000-05:00

As I'm driving to work today, I am passed by a BMW, with a license plate surrounded in a frame that reads PARK AVE. and something about being rich...I immediately glared at them from my 99 Hyundai Accent and thought, prick doesn't even know what happiness is thinks he can buy it in material ...Then I thought about what I had just thought and realized that I am guilty of generalizing all of the people that have a little more (monetarily) than I do as shallow, cold, miserable, ignorant, snobs. This thinking is wrong of me, and I should not hold this kind of prejudice against anyone...so I am openly admitting my fault so that I can work toward bettering it...

I am also going to spend today thinking about what other prejudices I may have, and how I can turn that hatred into love as well...

food for thought: What are your prejudices?

Reflections on C-SPAN

2004-12-02T08:21:00.000-05:00

Last night I was compelled to watch Dan Glickman, CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPA), speak to George Washington University, regarding the illegal bootlegging, downloading, and file sharing of films.

During his talked he asked "why do some people feel it is inappropriate to go to the store and shoplift a dvd, yet feel it is okay to illegally download them from the internet". As I listened to him speak, my significant other's computer was humming in the background as he was downloading some of these files...

So I asked him the question...his response was that he would NEVER buy these films so no one is losing his money...he would not shoplift them because someone paid to have the merchandise put in the store...I, in some ways, agree and understand his answer but I would like to pose the question again to more people...

Is the "art" of filmmaking hurting due to the file sharing, or bootlegging? Will the "artists" involved in making the films LOSE financially if people continue to do this? Do you feel that the "creative" aspect of films is at risk because of these copies?

Mr. Glickman was VERY focused on MONEY...not the ART...this was frustrating because he would use the words Art and Creativity and Artists, yet every answer to the students and media's questions always came back to MONEY and "values"...do you feel the MPA has values if they are money hungry corporate execs? I do understand that creating many copies and selling them should be restricted, but should someone like my boyfriend be punished for copying them for his own viewing...he does NOT make copies and distribute them for profit...and he usually only makes ONE? Just some food for thought....

much love to all even the MPA

Anticipate/Addiction

2004-12-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

It...It waits in silence
for the right moment to enter the room
it...it sits desperate to reveal its disdain

It doesn't care what it harms along the way
It has no mercy
for itself or all the pain.

It...It knows no right
for the wrong always prevails
It...it crept up on you all the while you wait

It didn't care what it harmed along the way
it has no mercy
for itself or anyone's pain

My sister

2004-11-22T13:54:00.000-05:00

Today I want to celebrate being a sister...
a baby sister to the wise older sibling, Jenn
That is Jenn with two nn's.

I admire her strength and ability to bring things into perspective...
whether it be needing the realistic perspective
or when the reality is too serious she uses her creative insight to make it not so rough...

She has been around since I can remember...
the many times I BEGGED her to play Barbies with me
the times when she played but didn't really want to
the times when I used to sneak in her room in the middle of the night because I was too afraid to be alone...she hated it...i needed it...
the times when I would steal her clothes and then "deal" with her consequences...

the recent times we've shared like going to Mc Connells Mills and hiking away the day
the time we went to The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,
the time we just sat at her man's house just to get some use of cable television
the Christmases the Birthdays...
the year I got my video camera and we videotaped her feet while hysterically laughing...
the times she would weather the cold just so I could smoke a cigarette...
the times I would visit her in Cincinnati and envy her college life...
the times we would laugh and giggle in church all the while getting the stern "kids behave please" look from mom in the choir loft...
all the times I would make her stay up to watch a movie, only I would fall asleep five minutes in...

So many reasons to be grateful for her...so many times I cherish, so many things I miss...but I always look forward to the many more to come...

Jenn, I love you, There is nothing greater than the relationship of a SISTER....

I give thanks for Jennifer today....

Scotty T.

2004-11-19T17:57:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Joy and Azathoth

Being thankful for people has been brought up on other blogs, a great deal lately...and I'm sitting here, reading through old journals looking for poetry to work on, or thoughts to post, and I came across an entry about a friend...So to begin my ongoing posts of People to be thankful for...I want to start with Scotty T.... anyone who knows him knows he is someone to be thankful for indeed...

Journal Entry March 27, 2000:

So I spent the last evening wrestling the questions of life with Scott Tesone...He's so full of insight. He's a WHY asker and we love to ask why together. We fight our disbeliefs and discuss our angst as though we want to leave it alone...but we take it with us as we numb the pain with another frosty mug of beer...we always talk about the blood sweat and tears. We are definitely destined to be just the way we are...Close YET far away... It's amazing how one step forward of one person can send everyone else sailing miles ahead...was one of the grueling things we discussed...and the many years we've known each other...13 years (at the time of this writing make that 17 now). I will always love him...and I will always turn to him for a shoulder to cry on...I will always lean on him if I need to...I hope he knows he can always lean on me...After all he deserves it...one shoulder I've always found to be very comfortable...and after all the tears are gone, he always manages to make them come back from a good hard laugh...

Then the entry moves onto other crap about my life cycles and bla bla bla...but I just want to start putting my "appreciation" out there for others to see...so today it is for you...Scotty T.

Letter to the Necessary Movement

2004-11-19T08:54:00.000-05:00

I am flying high on two cups of coffee and the warm air...how bout that warmth this morning...it feels like an early fall or late spring morning...it looks like it might rain which would be cool too...I love rain...I love the sound it makes on tin rooves...I remember when we used to camp in a pop up trailer and the rain would tick tick tap tap on the roof and the family would all sit in that crowded little table and play games til we were all too tired to move,

I remember watching the rain come down with my dog, looking out the big "Picture window" in the living room of our Vandergrift house on the couch with the dog under my arm, watching both the rain and for my dad to come home because he would kill me if he saw the dog on the couch...

I remember sitting on my bed half hanging out the window sneaking cigarettes and having to cup the lit end with my hand so the rain wouldn't put it out...

I remember walking in the rain on the early nights of my adolescence when no one was old enough to drive and the best thing to do was walk around town...rain or shine walking was in...

I remember sitting in the spot I referred to as my "thinking spot" (it was really my "smoking" spot but I couldn't call it that to my parents before they gave up and let me smoke on their porch...) and trying to block raindrops with branches of the bushes surrounding a little opening in a small park in the alley...

Rain is awesome, makes me nostalgic, as well as LAZY...

Up for a change but nothing drastic

2004-11-18T19:47:00.000-05:00

So to all you avid readers of my blog...

Do you like blue....or should I go back to black???

Tired Eyes

2004-11-18T14:10:00.000-05:00

Sag
Burn
Leak

Drag
run
streak

itchy
sore
weak

Vessel of Pride

2004-11-16T10:28:00.000-05:00

I am a walking vessel of pride
and behind you . . . I refuse to hide
I will walk by myself
I will walk by your side
my brother in my sister's body
my sister in my brother's body
i will walk by your side
in my endless vessel of pride

My heart broken...
yet mended by my other's nurtured existence
by my love of life
by god...by beauty...by serenity...by what they call god

my fragrance sweet yet masculine
my fragrance yet feminine
I am a woman, a human, a spirit, a soul
in a walking vessel of endless pride

I am further than your arms will reach
i am beyond what your eyes see
i am more than what you think of me
to be...I am a woman, a human, a spirit a soul
I am a walking vessel of endless pride
and behind you...I refuse to hide.

Duffle Bag

2004-11-16T10:20:00.000-05:00

Is that a duffle bag of rotten thoughts,
slung atop your shoulders?
Does it reek of spoiled meat,
and left overs gone sour?
Do you carry that duffle bag
everywhere you go?
I say open it, eat it, smell it
excrete it

You need to unpack
unpack the pain
put it away
where it belongs
on a shelf
don't ignore it
acknowledge it, release it
go through it,
dip your hands in its repulsive odors.

Let your fingers slide through it
Let your mind be renewed by it
then toss it the garbage man's way.

Your duffle bag of rotten thoughts
released and thrown away.

Reflections of a "Girl Interrupted"

2004-11-12T15:24:00.000-05:00

Starting at scene one,
my eyes filled with tears. The pain in my stomach piercing like an old friend with bad memories. The illusion of who you are? The discontent, the fear and anger. The self resentment the rationalization of dangerous thoughts. All figments of the imagination I question? Reality, Fantasy, Opinion, or Fact? Explanation or ability to distract? We are all forced to have unhappiness at one point in our lives, it's the coping and surviving that actually depicts who we are? Is that true? Some strong on the out but very weak on the in, All people experience the dissatisfaction. We are humans in a society of fears and anguish...looking back
1960s war/draft, 1990s gangs, violence, drugs, murder, war again, yes war again, f___ing Y2K, All anxieties of what is happening around you. Do you pay attention? Do you bother? I used to choose to be ignorant, live in denial, was that healthy? Is this healthy? Absolutely NOT what is health? Health is nothing but another figment of imagination that gives people something to obsess over? Why is it that when a person finds themselves lost, no one can ever find them? Yet when you are found the world suddenly knows where you've been? Struggles, journeys, dreams TIME...it just keeps ticking, and speeding up we all get further behind...we all wish we had buttons to rewind, play over, do differently......I've simply pressed PAUSE... and I'm waiting for someone to come push PLAY...

Journal Entry 7/14/01

2004-11-11T18:18:00.000-05:00

I'm in remission
lookin for a commission
trying to make the transition
into, out of my condition
My ammunition's
my minds indecision
the transcendence
my independence
strikes discretions
towards all other's perspectives
Fear and complection
needs and apprehensions
My directions disregarding my concerns
It's all you've heard
it's yours it's mine it's mine it's hers
what time did we meet? and walk in a herd?
check behind you, don't forget that she's there
Don't forget the smell of her hair
you've missed the point but once again
hit the joint forget that she's there.
Disapprove of her notions
don't remember your own emotions
can't seem to find what it was that was there
that's the time you move on and try not to compare

Alcohol and Painkillers

2004-11-10T15:21:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd never stand up straight again
muscles clenched together like a night teeth grinder
holding on like the president's hold on this country...
pinching, shooting, flinching, brooding, misery at it's best

Diagnosis:
Stress

Symptoms:
hair loss, back pain, headaches, weight gain

Treatment:
Chiropractic Visits
Meditation and Stress Reducing excercises...oh F__ that
Alcohol and Pain killers

HOME

2004-11-02T01:20:00.000-05:00

PITTSBURGH oh sweet Pittsburgh it's so nice to see you again!!

sorry if I don't post for a few days but I'm on a trip home to the Burgh...Go Steelers!!!

Will see you bloggers in a few days...

Don't forget me while I'm gone

Anniversary SHOUT OUT

2004-10-28T11:31:00.000-04:00

Yo yo yo
everybody give a warm shout out to BM and his lovely wife Kate
Four years now, that's great that's great that's great...

What a lovely day today would be to get married...
as I'm sure it was long ago...
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!

A toast from me to you!!
Cheers to love, life and happiness for the three of you. (sorry BM I left out all your other personalities, but I assume they understand.)

2004-10-28T08:31:00.000-04:00

Keep drinkin my vodka
keep sippin my gin
you my friend
can do it to me once again
Take my name
slip it to the sip
to the lick to the hip
Take it there
take the beat
spin skip just stare
The eyes of lust but yet still care
Beats Thrust: eyes that suck
maybe not her but your look alike
Right if anyone is right
High if I am high
High if I am low
Raise me up, Give me a smoke
Each word to move a hundred mountains
The Flow
The High, The high, The High NO LOW
Moving on But Slow
The high the low
Her essence
Her presence
her highs my lows
her thighs my toes
I taste the fingers
Love liquids lift
life to my lips
One Kiss
Existance-Resistance
Inflictions-Contradictions
Words are merely descriptions
All addictions are long lasting
Subscriptions to death
a mess-regress-assess
invest-digest-Believe
relieve-conceive-retrieve
Don't leave
Don't deceive
Drive the dancing dirty thoughts
to my dreams
Dizzy Spinning
Dirty Dancing-Obscene
Displays of the scene
Draped tapestry of da means
Decapitated Deception
Dedicated to the conception
of an array of connections amongst
we know of perfect combinations
With no segregations
just constant acceptions
No EXCEPTIONS to the rule
Don't make us play you for the fool
Open mind is not a crime
Free your mind and the rest will follow
Leaping up from the shallow
Taking back your head from the gallows
Choking-Choking-Hoping
WE WILL

Cold Pillows

2004-10-28T08:12:00.000-04:00

The bed is cold where you once lay
The night is darker and louder without you
The air is missing a certain scent
and I can not sleep for rest

Return to me,
my precious lover
and we can play our songs together
Return yourself and you will see
just how happy we can be

The house is empty
but your energy remains
when I sense it I stop, stand in it
hoping to experience your embrace

Return to me
my wondrous lover
and we can play our songs together
Return to me and you will see
just how happy we will be.

Lunar Loneliness

2004-10-28T07:54:00.000-04:00

I watched the Lunar Eclipse last night,
while on the phone with a friend 800 miles away.
and as the earth cast it's shadow over the moon,
I was comforted...
all my lonely feelings soothed
Feeling so much closer to all the people that I love
Regardless of how far away,
we all still had the same view.
So to all of you who watched it too,
I was with you
and you were with me
as the Lunar Eclipse our eyes did see.

Today

2004-10-27T13:26:00.000-04:00

Today is an awesome day...
I have finally completed writing content for my second website
I have made 8 yummy smelling candles for friends
I heard from a friend I thought I had lost
and it's only 1:00...

Quote

2004-10-26T13:50:00.000-04:00

I read a quote today
I can't remember the writer's name
it said:

"Fortune knocks but once, misfortune has more patience..."

I thought to myself how true that is...and then I thought ..."how many times did I ignore my fortune's doorbell while repeatedly answering misfortune" .....

and then I realized "Ah, this quote is wrong... Fortune does Knock again but it is me that must be patient"

Sandals Sandals

2004-10-26T11:42:00.000-04:00

Sandals Sandals
so many sandals

Active Sandals
Sports Sandals
Slide Sandals
Fashion Sandals
Flip Flop Sandals
Surfer Sandals
Beach Sandals
Sexy Sandals
Reef Sandals
Watersport Sandals
Hiking Sandals
Biking Sandals
Boarding Sandals
Casual Sandals
Summer Sandals
Mountain Sandals
Foothill Sandals
Dressy Sandals

Teva Sandals
Birkenstock Sandals
Rider Sandals
Oakley Sandals
Rainbow Sandals
Roxy Sandals
Cobian Sandals
Merrell Sandals
Mephisto Sandals
Chaco Sandals
Ecco Sandals
Naot Sandals
Keen Sandals
Steve Madden Sandals
Skecher Sandals
Dr. Scholl's Sandals
The Original Sandals
Adidas Sandals

Sandals Sandals
so many sandals....

Majority

2004-10-25T15:43:00.000-04:00

If they all say it
is it right...
if the majority believes,
it must be right,

did you wait to long,
did you write the song,
was it really all along,
too busy hitting the bong.

I don't think it's majority
I think it is what it is
and it's not their business
it's between you and me...

If it's what they all think
is it really true?
If the majority believes
it must be true

Did you hear me when I did tell you
Did you listen to how I knew
Did you notice why I didn't sooner
Did you know I loved and still love you?

I don't think it's majority
I think it is what it is
I think it's out of the question
this pool he's put me in...

Swimming in self recognition
wading in wonder of doubt
treading in the deep end
will you still call me friend?

They say majority rules...
I wish majority would go away
I don't think they'll ever understand
why I did things that way...

Untitled

2004-10-18T21:01:00.000-04:00

I am the simple breeze
the breath in the breath out
The breathe
I am the beer that quenches your thirst.
The balloon that pops that bubbles burst.
I am the peace of your mind
The dramatic rewind
Rewind the time, the minute, the second
I am the watch of the smack
The play back
I scrape the plaque, the residue
the irridescence of the ominiscence
The candle burning: time: moments encouraging
Step left-step right
feel the beats' height
hear them as they pierce
Pressure through your presence
Feel their power so precious
to the people that feel it so precious
It is your product
your conduct
Feelings are more than material
No numbers No: No serials
No if I had the money honey
move over take over: emotions
Roll over senses change with position
Senses make all the difference
all senses possess: Reference Irrelevant
Indefinite the measurements-
no control-no hold-no mold
The imbalance-your fallice
Fits freely in my
in my imbalance
Perfection fantasy
no chance to be just fantasy
Expectations are everything

To Not Let Go

2004-10-18T20:50:00.000-04:00

If you are with me,
you are with me
with or without me
my mind stained with you
speaking of you
Your name tatooed on my forehead
My death bed, my breath spread,
your time is my time,
when you sleep, I sleep
when you dream I dream
when you wake, I wake
when you come, I came
When our hearts ly together
they beat in time, like a rhythmic rhyme
like a freestyle profile,
when you break down and cry
I will cry
If you would wrap your arms around me
I would grab ahold of you
Grab and
Not let go. . .Not let go. . .Not let go. . .

I'll hold on until the sun seizes to shine
and there is nothing but darkness and even then. . .I'll still hold on
Hold on until the waves no longer break
and the tides disappear
and there is nothing of the ocean but dry sand
and even then,
I'll still hold on, holding on to what you are offering
Holding on to Not let go. . .
Not let go. . .Not let go. . .

And when your hands caress my face,
I curl like a kitten
pressing my cheek closer to your hand
your baby soft hand
my cheek screams,
one more stroke, one more
like a crackhead begging for their next toke
When your lips let out my name
I can only be in vain to say it again, say my name
flirt with me. . .flirt from across the room
or over a telephone wire and each word I'll hold onto
and not let go. . . not let go. . .not let go. . .

I will sizzle like this morning's pancakes
when I lay down thinking of you
I melt like the velveeta cheese in the microwave,
when I lay down thinking of you
I want to create a world for you to escape to
I don't want you to escape from me but to me. . .
I want to love you and hold you to not let go. . .
not let go. . .not let go. . .

I know. . .

2004-10-18T20:49:00.000-04:00

I know it is my problem
I know it is my mind
I know it is the reason
I know it is the time
I know it has not spoken
I know it may not exist
i know you've forgotten
I know you won't persist
I know that time is frozen
i know that you don't care
I know that maybe someday
I know that you'll be there
I know that you've always been
I know it doesn't matter where
I know it's not a sin
I know this is the moment
I know to let you in
I know that words are potent
I know there is a way
I know I don't need answers
I know that I don't know
and that's all I have to say

The Lunatic

2004-10-15T19:40:00.000-04:00

I don't care!!!!!!!!
I don't care!!!!!!!!
he screams in disgust at her
as she trembles in fear
I don't want you here
what are you doing here
who asked you to come here
I don't care
she looks at him with love in her eyes. . .
and desperately, quietly, she speaks. . .
You called me, you asked me to come, you told me you needed this
she stretches out her arm,
a small box with black ribbon tied around it, in her hand
I don't want that,
I don't even know you
I don't even know what is in that box
is it a bomb? are you trying to kill me? is it some kind of poison
anger consumes him as he smacks her hand
the box flies across the room and breaks open
a ring
a small gold ring slides across the floor
only to land at his feet
he looks down at the ring,
all his rage calms to blue
he picks it up,
tears emerge from the angry man's eyes
tears he's never shed!!!
the anger forms white clouds and drifts from the room
She's still trembling
unsure of what will happen next
will he hit her?
will he calm down?
will he address her by her name?
he hasn't called her by her name in over 3 years. .
will he figure out what's happening to him?
will the ring remind him?
She can't stop the questions from consuming her. ..
He is now on the floor
fetal position
crying uncontrollably
she turns toward the door,
she takes a step into the hall
she looks back at him
his eyes meet hers
he quietly says
"Emily, My Dear Sweet Emily"
Rivers are flowing from her eyes,
to hear her name again,
to see HIM again,
to see HIM seeing HER
"Emily I am speechless"
Emily, now remembers the man she fell in love with
the man that life had not destroyed
she speaks "they called you a lunatic"
"I do not know you anymore,
I want to hold you, but my arms are trembling afraid,
I want to love you, but my heart is broken,
I want to be your wife again,
but you are locked up in this dungeon of misery"
He takes the ring and places it on his finger,
he takes her hand and says
"you just handed me
this prison's lost key"

Dreaming of Blogs

2004-10-14T08:37:00.000-04:00

I start a blog,
I dream about blogs,
all night long
blog blog blog